4 Myths of Singleness

Moment of transparency: As I prepared to write this article, I found myself struggling with the question, “Am I qualified to write about being single now that I am married?”  I concluded that as one who has walked that walk, I am qualified. If anything, I feel like I have a greater understanding now that I am married with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.

I never dedicated much time to writing about relationships or being single. I used to run away from that topic because I felt the space was over saturated by other writers. I also felt that there were other things to focus on besides my status as a single person. And quite honestly, I hated the term “single.” But, for this article, let’s agree to define a ‘single’ person as someone who is not married.

Since we are created for relationship & community (Gen. 2), it makes sense that the enemy would seek to confuse us regarding this area. I have witnessed how the battle between confusion and clarity in regards to relationship and singleness has a powerful influence on us all, for better or for worse. Of course, the enemy wants people to feel as if being single or being married is the sum of their existence. Of course, he wants us to misunderstand the seasons of our lives  so that we settle on leaning on our understanding and not God’s. Of course, he would embed seeds of misperception. The enemy has been up to the same old tricks since the garden.

And that’s what I want to focus on in this article: misperceptions & myths of  being single.

My main prayer is that, single or married, we would learn to dismantle misperceptions of every season so that we can approach wherever we find ourselves with His grace and in His way.

4 myths of singleness:

1)Desiring marriage means you are discontent as a single.

There are countless books and blogs encouraging singles to be content in their singleness; letting them know that marriage isn’t the “end goal” of life. This encouragement to contentment can sometimes lead singles to entertain the belief that their desire for marriage may mean “I am not content where I am.”  This couldn’t be farther from God’s truth.

It’s very easy to fall on the extremes of both sides: either making marriage an idol or singleness an idol.

In Genesis 2, God shows us His intention for His creation to be in relationship, in communion and in fellowship. He lays out the importance of His design for marriage. However, we see throughout Scripture that while marriage is designed by God, it isn’t the end goal of His creation.

Desiring marriage means, well simply, desiring marriage. It doesn’t have to mean that you aren’t content in the Lord. It doesn’t have to mean that you believe it will make you complete or it will solve your problems. Desiring marriage is good. It’s very good and it is of God. With all good things that we desire, we have to guard our hearts from making them an idol and from having them cause distrust in the Lord.

I encourage you, if you desire marriage, take the time to learn what it is you desire and why. It is important to prayerfully explore the meaning and purpose of godly marriage.  Then, embrace your God-given desire with a glad heart that is submitted to the Lord’s will. You should never be ashamed to admit you desire marriage while you are single. Know that it is possible to desire marriage and love the Lord with all of you heart, mind & soul (Mark 12:30).

2) I have to get myself together as a single before I get married.

A life fully surrendered to God acknowledges that our lives will be spent learning to reflect more and more of Jesus Christ through His sanctifying ways and His Word (Ephesians 4:22-24). It is important to understand that sanctification is a path, not a destination. This  means that you won’t arrive before marriage. In fact, you won’t arrive in or through marriage. You will only arrive on the day that you see Your Maker face to face. How glorious that will be!!

We’ve all, at one point or another ,said, “I’m working on getting myself together before getting married or before dating.” If you haven’t said it you’ve most likely heard it said. The sentiment, in and of itself, is not a bad one. There are certainly specific areas in our lives, that we may want to  better understand and surrender to the Lord before entering a relationship. Each person should seek counsel and guidance from the Lord as they consider areas for growth and the prerequisites for dating and marriage.

I simply want to let you know that I can see how that kind of reasoning (I have to get myself together…) can be an illusion used by the enemy  to delay a God thing. I thought I had to be ready for marriage by getting everything that I thought was wrong in me, right. And then I get married only to find out that those things I had worked on were still there to some degree. It took marriage and the dynamics experienced in marriage to reveal that to me. You see, the funny thing is that we all have a perception of ourselves that is disrupted in marriage. I learned quickly that it shows you more of the junk in you than you thought. But that’s good. It’s good because marriage is one of the greatest tools for making us more like Him.  

But that’s what makes marriage so beautiful to me! I see the work of the Lord in me, helping me die to myself and live to Him (Galatians 2:20). We will forever be surrendering our selfish ways to the Lord. We will forever be repenting and asking for healing. We will forever be on the path to becoming. Don’t feel like it has to be all together before you go into that season. Let that season come as the Lord leads; not as you perceive.

3)The longer you wait, the less likely it is that you will  meet that ‘someone’

Funny story: When I was 21, I made a bet with my cousin that I would be married by the time I was 25. It  made sense because I was in a relationship at the time. The bet was that if I did get married before 25, then my cousin would have to pay for my honeymoon. If I didn’t, then I would have to pay for hers. What happened you ask? Well…I’m saving up for her honeymoon (need to find a good Groupon discount lol).

When did I end up getting married? At the age of 30. Did that matter to God? No, not at all. Was it His perfect timing? Yes.

We live in a time where people are getting married at an older age than our parents or grandparents. I see how the enemy has made us believe that the older we get, the lesser the possibility of meeting someone. How foolish of us to think that God is confined by our sense of time.

I believe that God gives and honors the desire for marriage.  No matter how long the wait, my encouragement to you is to trust in the Lord with all of your heart and PLEASE don’t lean on your own understanding of time (Prov. 3:5-6). I’ve heard from women who desire children but haven’t gotten married yet. Their logic is that since their “biologic clock is ticking,” they should bypass marriage and have children before it gets too late for them. Those kinds of decisions are ones where we lean on our understanding and act from fear. And honestly, leaning  on our own understanding can take us out of God’s order and can cause both present and future harm.

4) Being single means you are waiting to be completed.

Being single does not mean you are waiting to be completed. You are complete in Christ.

Well-meaning Christians have made me feel as if my being single meant that I was eventually going to graduate to another level of life and Christianity when I got married. I’m sure someone reading this can attest. I know it wasn’t intentional, it was just the way the church talked about marriage and singlehood that made me feel that I wasn’t quite there yet.

Do we deal with different kinds of challenges in married life? Absolutely. Paul talks about the various responsibilities that are added in marriage in 1 Corinthians 7. But does it mean that we all of a sudden become a new creature or get a badge of merit when we get married? Absolutely not.

We are new creatures because of Christ, not marriage (2 Cor. 5:17).  Resting in the newness of Christ also means resting in total completeness in Him, regardless of the season or the circumstance. The more we live in that Truth, the more we can live whatever season we find ourselves in, freely and joyfully.